June 2014

Avoiding Heartbreak and Winning in the Game of Love 

           Living the Life of the Senses is all about happiness.  And the greatest happiness is Love.  L’Amour.  Has it eluded you?  Does it never seem to  “work out” for you?  Has your heart been broken more than once? Oh, my poor darlings!

           My dear friend Sheila said to me, “Kathleen, I avoid men.  If I avoid them I won’t get acquainted, and if I don’t get acquainted I won’t fall in love.  I don’t ever want to experience that again because I can’t stand the pain when it ends.”

            Well.  I know how she feels as I’ve had my own heartbreaks but I would never try to keep from falling in love.  To me heartbreak is a part of life, like childbirth.  When you’re in the throes, there’s nothing you can conceive of that’s more painful.  But it does end.  And it’s part of the price you pay for profound experience.

            However, is heartbreak always necessary?  I submit that much of it can be avoided by taking two pieces of advice to heart.  Here they are.  1.  Look at history.  2.  Pay attention to red flags.  Consider the first.  A person’s history is a map for the future.  “He who forgets the past is condemned to repeat it.”  This is true of life in general.

           None of us is perfect.  We are all flawed beings.  But take care that you don’t put charm, affability, and personality on a par with honesty, integrity, and character.  It’s very easy to do.  Look at how a person has conducted his romantic life in the past.  Is he/she on good terms with past paramours?  If the answer is no, look deeper.  If the other person refuses to communicate with your intended, why?  Was there a sense of injustice or mistreatment?  Better find out why.

             Is the person divorced?  How many times?  Why?  This is a harsh reality that is very hard to accept but if you make a vow that includes the words, “For better or worse….” And “Till death do us part…”  then what situation does that not cover?  Ask yourself.  A male friend who was single said to me one time, “I don’t date divorced women.  Because every divorced woman has lied to herself and also to everybody else.”  It can’t be undone. 

            In recent years I have taken to dating only the widowed or the never-married. While I myself am divorced, I still want someone who will be a good influence on me.  A divorced person is, in a sense, “damaged goods” and one’s respect for the institution of marriage decreases with the number of times he/she is willing to take a solemn vow, break it, and take it again.  No promise such a person makes can be taken seriously.  Listen to what a person says about him/herself.  If a man says to you, “I’m no good,” believe him.

 

 

February  2014

The Food of Love (aphrodisiacs)

            Scientists and other skeptics have oft proclaimed that there are no aphrodisiacs, especially not when it comes to food.  But the Wisdom of the Ages is resistant to such pronouncements.  Cooks, poets, and all those who worship the Gods of Love know the deeper truth, which transcends mere facts: that there is indeed a mystical connection between food and love.

            Human nature being what it is, the quest for such ingredients has been unrelenting. I have it on good authority that what the Conquistadors sought was not, as we were taught in  grade school, a fountain of youth, but rather a fountain of Viagra.  In the Far East the rhinoceros has been singled out for the supposed romance-enhancing powers in his horn.  in the Caribbean the likewise ill-starred male sea turtle’s organ of generation has been identified as an aid to love, resulting in his  having been hunted to the brink of extinction, even as the human population in the area burgeons.  And in Vinita, Oklahoma, a stronghold of cowboy machismo, an annual festival celebrates the consumption of animelles and the town’s status as Calf-Fry Capital of the World.

            Within the compendium of aphrodisia are a number of foods that may serve the purposes of Eros by reason of their sensual attributes as well as their chemical makeup.   Fish and seafood, for instance, are full of tyrosine, a brain stimulant that plays a major part in erotic arousal, and, of course, the visual and tactile qualities of many mollusks—mussels, oysters, etc.– are blushingly suggestive.

            Sweets are, perhaps, the most sensual and seductive of foods—one taste arouses the desire for another.  Chocolate contains a substance that triggers the same rush of feeling we experience on a wave of romantic passion.  Cherries and figs have been compared by the poets to parts of the feminine anatomy.

            Nor let us forget the pomegranate, that bizarre and ancient Mediterranean fruit revered by the Philistines, the Babylonians, and similar voluptuary peoples as a symbol of fertility.  With its multitudinous ruby-filled capsules, is it any surprise that it was sacred to the Goddess of Love herself?

            Nearly all the herbs and spices have been named as aphrodisiac at one time or another. Especially pepper, which does cause the flow of endorphins, those chemicals responsible for feelings of euphoria.

            As for alcohol, it is both food and drug, and therefore occupies a unique place at the table of Eros. There is no doubt that its consumption stimulates romantic feelings and activity and that Aphrodite owes much to Dionysus, though he be, somewhat paradoxically, at distinct odds with Priapus.

            In addition to regular fare, there exists an assortment of exotic substances available at herb shops and health-food stores that may be consumed in addition to or along with food.  The list includes such items as calamus root (said to raise libido but cause hallucinations), damiana (supposed to induce erotic dreams), and yohimbe, used in African orgies but producing undesirable effects on blood pressure. This was in vogue with the college crowd a few years back, though why they, of all people, would require such a stimulant is beyond me.

            Without succumbing to superstition, we would yet do well to remember that myth often precedes scientific discovery, e.g. garlic.  Now basil, on the list of aphrodisiacs, is green, and green is the color associated with the fourth chakra, the one that rules the heart.  So if you feed your heart’s desire pasta with pesto, might it not be as apt to arouse lustful feelings as the damiana with which you might lace it for added efficacy?  And wouldn’t it be loverly?  

 

 January  2014 

Love and Laughter

            The Greeks called Aphrodite a “lover of laughter.”  And, as you know, Aphrodite, being the goddess of love and beauty, holds a place of supreme importance for those of us who would live the Life of the Senses.  “Love” has always been a source of merriment. What is funnier than romance and the infinite complications surrounding it?  We’ve been laughing about it for millennia.  One of the favorite genres of movie is the romantic comedy.

            Laughter is truly one of life’s greatest pleasures.  And, true to the Wisdom of the Ages, it’s one of those “best things in life” that are free.  Personally, I have to say that the men I have loved I have loved in direct proportion to their ability to make me laugh.  And frequently.  Uproariously.

            Love makes the heart light.  If you find that your paramour does not make you laugh often and deeply, chances are the relationship is sailing nowhere.  Not only should true love be conducive to laughter, it should bring out the comedian in you.  When I am in the presence of a man who makes me laugh, I suddenly find myself spouting all kinds of humorous remarks and witticisms of which I am normally incapable.

            It’s probably a defense mechanism—you know, the persons with the best senses of humor are able to better weather life’s storms, at least theoretically.  And, of course, laughter is the exclusive province of Man.  It’s one of the characteristics that separate us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

December 2013

Confession!

            It’s wonderful to be accepted for who you are.  We all desire that, especially from our paramours.  But don’t get carried away!  There comes a time in every relationship between a man and woman (or other combination of the sexes) when one or both partners are overcome by a strong urge to reveal the worst about themselves.  Past indiscretions, sins, etc.  Ferret out that little inner agent provocateur and quash it!  Resist that urge!  It springs from two sources:  one is the desire to unburden oneself, thereby shifting some of the responsibility for carrying around a modicum or a whole ton of guilt alone; and the other is the desire to share intimacies, even negative ones, with the object of one’s passion.

            Now I know there are many of you out there who are already nodding your heads in recognition and agreement.  You’ve been there, haven’t you? You know.  But it seems to be one of those instances where people make the same mistake over and over again, but with different people. 

            Confession may be good for the soul but it can be quite damaging to a love affair.  Next time you have the urge, thinking that “this time” the other person will be understanding,  accepting, forgiving, ask yourself the question, “Can I say that the prospective revelations will improve our relationship beyond the  “shadow of a doubt?”  I think you already know the answer to that.  So save your confessions for the confessional.  Peace and love.

November  2013 Nudity

            To Know and be Known Intimately, inside and out, eternally, deeply.  This is what we all crave, isn’t it? And the artist which is present in us all is constantly driven by the need to express and share his/her personal vision. Okay, so let’s get specific and down-to-earth here.  Presumably, this is what “true love” offers.  Mutual knowledge and, by implication, acceptance. 

             But wait a darned minute here, guys and gals!  Do we really want anyone to know “everything?” NO!!!  Definitely not!!  Don’t get sucked into that vortex. While it is comforting to be able to “be yourself” around someone, save that for your friends of the same sex, or family members, not the object of your heart’s desire.  I speak here of the subject of nudity.

            I once read an article by a man describing the progress of a relationship he had had with a woman during the Sixties.  Even though they were completely compatible, “in love”, at first, and so on and so forth, the relationship went steadily downhill until all carnal desire had vanished for the author.  In trying to analyze what had happened he ultimately concluded that the downfall of their love was brought on by the fact that she was naked too much.

            Take heed, darling travelers on Romance’s rocky roads.  Excessive devotion to nudity will dampen the fires of Desire.  I do not mean that you should never let your beloved see you naked.  But just let him/her have glimpses.  This will fan those fires.  As I’ve said over and over—what’s left to the imagination is infinitely more powerful than what is revealed.  Nudity is boring.  

            Likewise keep all activities of a personal nature private, and, if you must, request that of your partner.  Do not let your man watch you put on make-up, girls.  With the exception of lipstick. This is a very sexy act to many men—watching a woman put on lipstick.  You might be surprised to learn that when a man sees you do this, but never sees  you apply other make-up, he may think lipstick is all you use.  Mystery is what it’s all about  Maintain the mystery for as long as you can and you will both be happier.  I promise.

October 2013 Listen!

          If you wish to play the game of Love, or, if you think of yourself as one of those who plays no games at all, you would do well to learn to listen.  Yes, as artists, and as men and women, one of our most basic spiritual cravings is the need to be known–the desire for self-expression,

         This desire sometimes drives us to talk too much about ourselves, thereby making the other person nervous.  You may also, in the course of such activity, reveal way too much about yourself to retain mystery for the other person.  And we know how important it is to leave as much as possible to the imagination.

          Then again, listening makes conversation more effortless on your part, just in case you have difficulties in that direction.  Get the other person to talk about him/herself.  It’s a tried-and-true device that nearly everyone responds to favorably.  As in one of my favorite fairy tales, “The Castle of Life,” the good fairy presents the hero with a little dog to take on his quest for immortality, and she tells him that the dog will show him the way, but that he must not allow the dog to lead.

          Heed that advice.  Listen actively, allowing your beloved to guide you, but you take the lead.  Ask questions.  He/she will think you are the most brilliant conversationalist ever!! But besides providing you with information about your heart’s desire, this kind of communication will create a bond between you two.  Try it.  You’ll be pleased.

September 2013 What’s Left to the Imagination

           Well, then, this is what it’s all about, isn’t it? Okay, as you’ve heard me say elsewhere, the imagination is the most potent element in all of art, including the art of love. Always leave something out. In fact, what lives in the imagination can almost never be equaled by the real thing. Timing is critical. (You will have to figure this statement out yourself—it’s just too complicated to explain.) Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about from my book, The Food of Love, pg. 6:

“……..the most erotic experiences may be those that remain unfulfilled, leaving both partners in a state of rapturous longing. It is sad but true that what is left to the imagination has a perfection about it that the real thing can rarely achieve. Realization of a desire often breaks the spell. One of my most erotic experiences ever was on an icy afternoon with two friends and a blind date who was a veritable incarnation of Eros. While we two washed and dried dishes together, after having spent the day at a museum, we carried on a casual conversation with the other couple and flamenco guitar music stirred our passions. Soulful looks were exchanged, and every gesture in the execution of our domestic chore became a prayer to Aphrodite herself. Our eyes forged a soul-to-soul connection that has become blazoned on my memory like the scarlet letter on Hester Prynne’s breast. But we had other commitments and went our separate ways. These things happen once in a while. If you are so blest, bow to the gods in thanksgiving and ask for no more. My god in the flesh of that enchanted afternoon grew, in a very few years, I am told, into a balding, paunchy, beer-swizzling remnant of his former divinity. So resist the Maud Muller syndrome. What was is invariably preferable to “what might have been.”

            In other words, go home while you’re still wanting to stay. Get out while it’s still good.